For a while now I have been writing for the Huffington Post, which is a lot of fun and also fascinating. The Huffington Post is one of the most highly read online publications and therefore offers a huge and diverse audience with whom I can share my thoughts.

One of the things that I have found in the comments on my posts is that there seems to be a feeling by many that the individual who initiates a divorce is somehow both selfishly giving up on their marriage and will also enjoy a far easier time moving forward than the person who was “left.”

Not only do I disagree, but I feel obligated to share my thoughts on these positions, both as someone who initiated my divorce and as a Divorce Expert and Coach as well.

No one walks down the aisle at their wedding hoping that they will one day be divorced. In other words, no one “wants” divorce.

As you already know, divorce is one of those decisions that is incredibly difficult to make and more often than not, takes courage, strength and tremendous work to manage.

For me personally, my decision to divorce did not happen overnight as a means of avoiding the hard work of making marriage work. While most of the people in my life — friends, family and my community — first became aware of my marital discontent when we shared our decision to divorce publicly, what they did not know was the almost four years of counseling, therapy and hard work that we put into trying to make our marriage work.

It was a decision that took years to make and was for us, or at least for me, a last resort. Despite my divorce and my passion for being a Divorce Expert and Coach, I believe in and advocate for strong, healthy and long term relationships and marriage. My parents are happily married for 47 years and I wanted more than anything in my life to have created and enjoyed the same beautiful and extraordinary long-term marriage.

Unfortunately, many of us made the decision to marry when we were young and uneducated about what we really want and need in an ideal relationship. It is not that I don’t believe in the importance of commitment in creating a wonderful marriage, but rather, my ex-husband and I were simply not a good fit. Both my ex-husband and I made the decision to marry for what we thought were the “right” reasons and by using what we thought were the “right” criteria. However, looking back, neither one of us was a good fit for the other; we both made a decision that couldn’t work because of who we are at our core.

Making the decision to end our marriage — a commitment we both took seriously — was incredibly difficult and painful, for both of us.

There are so many reasons why individuals or couples decide to end their marriages. Perhaps there is abuse (verbal or physical), infidelity, or just plain unhappiness. No matter the reason, it is never as simple as it seems. Underneath all of these reasons is a far more complicated situation than anyone, including the individuals in the marriage, often understands. That is where someone like me, a Divorce Expert, Coach or therapist, can help you understand what is really going on and help you move through the transition with honesty, integrity and clarity.

We all deserve to be part of a relationship that is extraordinary, and getting divorced does not in any way mean that a person is not capable of or doesn’t value the commitment to a long term relationship or marriage.

As a matter of fact, it is no easier for the “initiator” to move forward after divorce and create a new and extraordinary life than it is for the spouse that didn’t initiate.

Divorce is a significant transition that affects almost every area of an individual’s life. Whether a person was the one to first utter the words, “I want a divorce,” or not, the transition is equally challenging.

There are always reasons why a marriage ends. And while the emotional stress and anxiety can be excessive, focusing on blame will not allow either person to move forward. Rather, it will make the situation more difficult for both individuals and any children involved. The best strategy for moving forward is to focus on understanding and accepting the situation, and using that as the foundation upon which a new life will be built.

I recognize that it is easier said than done, but I have never found a situation where both individuals did not contribute in one way or another to the demise of the marriage, whether they were the one to initiate divorce or not.

I was the one to initiate, and yet I realize that I also contributed to the marriage not succeeding. I take this accountability seriously and, despite the sadness of having made the decision and feeling like a failure, I have made a commitment to do whatever it takes to learn from that experience and prepare myself for new effortless, extraordinary love.

Here’s the real deal. Walking down an aisle, wearing a wedding band and simply living together for decades does not alone make a marriage succeed. Nor does it obligate either spouse to stay in a situation that is unhealthy or unhappy. What it does mean is that there is work, commitment and a discipline involved in creating an extraordinary relationship that can withstand the test of time. And even after divorce, that relationship is out there waiting for you!

Every situation is unique, and my experience personally and professionally has illustrated that each marriage and divorce poses its own complexities. But the notion that either person moving through and forward after divorce has it easier or harder than the other is simply not true — even if it seems that way from the outside.

What I have learned is that divorce can create a strange mixture of sadness, loss, fear, anxiety, liberation, freedom, courage and self-sufficiency — among a host of other emotions. It is a profound and complex journey that requires less judgment and more support for all of the individuals experiencing it.

This has been my longwinded way of saying that each of you has a situation that is unique, and that you are moving though it with grace. And no matter what your situation is, I know that it has had moments of challenge, moments of joy, and moments of fear — and that none of us “chose” for divorce to be a part of our lives.

Source.

A seven-year old was playing as his mother talked with a friend about her recent separation and divorce. The words “my ex” and “the ex” hung in the air — in anger, frustration or simply as a descriptor. At a pause in the conversation the boy wondered, “Does that mean he’s my ex-father?” Of course he wonders.

Our language about separation and divorce isn’t helpful to kids. I don’t think it’s helpful to parents either. The word “ex” and another common term, “broken family,” implies a final break. The language of “ex” and “broken family” keeps the center of attention on what’s happening with the adults.

Adults who have no children can divorce and walk away from each other. Parents may wish to walk away but are in each other’s lives forever. Many parents have some form of joint custody; therefore “ex” and “broken family” are no longer even accurate. As our notions of “family” change, there are more and more parents in wholly new categories. Some parents have never married — and may not even be living with one another — but opt to share parenting for the long haul. Parents apart are always tied in some way, even if the adults are very strained with each other.

At first, separations are filled with hard feelings and difficult decisions. We all know the custody battles and money challenges in high profile divorces — and maybe in our own families. Many of these battles ease with time and as the kids grow up.

How can we help children make sense of divorce? We help them by understanding their position in the family and knowing that circumstances will change with time. The important thing to remember that children are the center of the equation and that parents untangle and rearrange around the children. Let’s use words to reflect that.

I remember how carefully my kids’ father and I talked about how to tell our 5-year-old and 2- year-old about our decision to separate. We spoke the carefully rehearsed words and wept unscripted tears: “Daddy is going to have a new place to live. We love you very much but we aren’t happy living together. You’ll have two houses but we promise to love you and take care of you forever.”

Any parent who has separated knows some version of that speech. And children of all ages can tell you, sometimes in vivid detail, when they first heard those words.

And then, after the careful speech, we aren’t so careful in front of the children. Parents and friends and family members use “ex” without thinking. And the media uses “ex” and “broken family” over and over.

Let’s help children understand that families change; they don’t break. And while families change, children learn to keep connections with both parents — as parents find new partners, as children grow to adulthood and find their own partners and add in-laws, and as grandchildren are born.

Focusing on change and using words like “untangling” and “rearranging” are more helpful and more accurate. These words leave room for all the changes that will come as the children grow and the parents continue to care for them and add new relationships around the children.

I want everyone to think about this. Families don’t break; they change. Even if one parent gives up parenting for a while — or forever — the children have to sort out how they are related to both parents, how to make sense of the family they started out in.

We can all help shift the language. When you hear about separation and divorce, think about whether there are children. Find the words that will help children, not confuse them. The 7-year-old who wondered about his “ex-father” felt safe enough to ask the question. Many children can’t even ask a too-distracted or angry parent. We can all help parents to remember to speak respectfully about a former partner. All children deserve parents who are speaking respectfully to one another.

Source.

For complications arising in lawsuits, specifically successive actions and the entire controversy doctrine, Fox & Melofchik, L.L.C. can assist you in developing the proper legal approach, whether in State Court, Federal Court or both.  Please visit us online at: http://www.jerseylawoffice.com or call 732-493-9400 for a free consultation.

Please click to read here:  a3111-10

As originally published by:

Gary E. Fox, Esq., of Fox & Melofchik, L.L.C., has 37 years of zoning/variance experience.  Call for a free consultation for any Zoning/Variance issues you may have.  Please visit our website at http://www.jerseylawoffice.com.

Please click to read here:  a5076-10

There is a lot of confusion about the difference between a divorce and an annulment. There is also confusion between a legal annulment and a religious annulment.

A divorce is a legal end to the marriage — deciding all issues involved in the closure of the marriage and often assigning fault to one of the parties for the end of the marriage. The end result of a divorce is dissolution of the marriage. An annulment is also an end to the marriage and entails all the decisions a divorce involves if needed — property and debt division, custody, child support, and alimony. However, an annulment is a legal determination that the marriage was never valid in the first place.

An annulment determines that the marriage was not legal or valid when it was entered into and therefore never truly legally existed. The annulment legally erases the marriage, as if it never was. One important thing to note is that if you had children together during the marriage, the children are still considered to be legitimate — conceived in and born into a legal marriage and legal child of both of you. Annulments are more common with very short marriages, where one or both parties realizes rather quickly that a mistake was made, but it is certainly not unheard of for a much longer marriage to end in annulment. Alimony cannot be awarded in a judgment of annulment, since the court is deciding there was no legal marriage to begin with.

Annulments are not available because you’ve changed your mind, aren’t happy, feel you made a bad decision, are abused by your spouse, or feel you’ve been treated unfairly. There has to be a legal basis for determining the marriage was not valid. In most states, the legal process for an annulment is much like that for a divorce. Similar papers are filed and similar hearings are held. An annulment can be contested, just as with a divorce. However, annulments are often agreed upon by both parties, and since they usually happen very early in a marriage, the process is generally quick and easy. Annulments are not very common, but a lot of people seem to think they ought to be able to get one. In fact, an annulment is really the exception to the rule and very few people actually do get them.

Religious Annulment

A legal annulment is one granted by the court. It decides that legally there is no marriage. Once the marriage is annulled, you are a single person who has never technically been married. A religious annulment is entirely different. Religious annulments are granted by your religious institution. They have separate requirements and processes. Some people get a legal divorce and then seek a religious annulment so that they will be able to marry again in their church or temple. It is not always possible to obtain a religious annulment, so it is best to consult with your priest, rabbi, or other religious authority to learn what the requirements and steps are.

Perhaps the most important thing to understand about an annulment is that it can’t undo the pain or hurt you have suffered. Even if your marriage is deemed legally or religiously void, it was real while you lived it, and the only way to deal with the pain is to cope with it directly.

Source

“Emancipation of a special needs child who attends college part-time.”

Please click to read here:  a2001-10

Any questions regarding emancipation should be addressed to Fox & Melofchik, LLC, as we handle these issues professionally.  Please visit our website at http://www.jerseylawoffice.com.

_____________________________________________

A lawsuit asserting that New Jersey’s civil union law does not provide proper benefits to same-sex couples has been bolstered by a state Superior Court judge’s ruling.

Superior Court Assignment Judge Linda Feinberg in a ruling published Tuesday allowed the suit against the state to include a previously dismissed argument that New Jersey’s marriage laws deny equal protection under the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

The judge noted that other courts have considered challenges to discriminatory state marriage practices based on federal constitutional grounds.

“We’re reviewing the decision,” said Leland Moore, a spokesman for state Attorney General Jeffrey S. Chiesa.

The ruling keeps alive the possibility that same-sex marriage can be enacted, even as efforts through the legislative route have been blocked.

State lawmakers last week sent a Democrat-sponsored marriage-equality bill to Gov. Chris Christie’s desk, but the Republican governor, as he had promised, shot down the measure.

Feinberg’s decision was cheered by Lawrence S. Lustberg, one of the attorneys who last June filed the original four-count complaint Superior Court, Mercer County, on behalf of Garden State Equality, an organization with more than 82,000 members, along with seven same-sex couples and 10 of their children.

“It’s important. There are different interpretations of the federal and the New Jersey constitutions. This gives us another way to win,” said Lustberg, from the firm of Gibbons P.C.

Lustberg noted that the motion to broaden the lawsuit was filed before — but likely aided by — a ruling from a federal appeals court panel that said a California-approved ban on gay marriage violated the equal protection and due clauses of the federal constitution.

Feinberg’s 27-page decision includes passages that underscore the rejection by courts of relying on tradition as a basis for discrimination against a class. Lustberg says that analysis bodes well for the plaintiffs.

“Tradition is the main thing the state has pointed to for not altering the present laws,” he said.

Discovery is expected to continue in the coming months with the trial expected to begin next year.

Source.

“If you fail to provide requested discovery, your complaint will eventually be dismissed.”  Here, at Fox & Melofchik, L.L.C., we monitor each matter so nothing slips through the cracks. – please visit our website at http://www.jerseylawoffice.com

As originally published by:

Why an excellent and experienced attorney, such as Gary E. Fox of Fox & Melochik is needed for Zoning and Planning issues.

Please click here:  A10710AmericanDreamvTownshipofMarlboro.

“Judges must provide statement of facts and reasoning/opinions with orders, not months later . . .”

Click to read here:  a1066-09

As originally published at: